I often doubt myself & feel like I'm falling short in meeting my expectations. Am I attentive enough to my husband? No. There are many times he comes home as I'm scrambling around the kitchen to get dinner on the table before Cam has his next meltdown that I don't give him the warm welcome he deserves. Do I feel I'm the best mom I can be? Sometimes yes & sometimes no. When I am with Cam I do try my hardest to give him 100% of my attention, but that's not always possible. I wish I could spend more time with him, do more things with him & not ever lose my cool when he's having a tantrum. Am I the friend I would expect someone else to be to me? Not always. I don't always return their phone calls as quickly as I'd like, send the personal cards & letters I'd love to mail, have more girl's nights out or even girl's nights in. I often hear my mom say, I wish you'd call me more often. I'd love to drive down to see my sister, brother & their families more often.
I guess the picture I have in my mind for what I wish my life looked like isn't always within reach or realistic. I admit that I am a perfectionist, but certain aspects of my life just don't reflect that as much as I wish they did. I'd love to step on the scale in the morning & actually be satisfied with the number I see or look in the mirror & not scoff at my image. Consistently go to the gym four days a week, eat a wonderfully well-balanced diet. And as for my house, our bedroom closet looks like a bomb went off in it. There are many drawers & cabinets in my kitchen that need to be organized & cleaned out. I suppose I wish my life looked like an article from my Real Simple magazine, with every little thing organized & in it's proper place.
I suppose all I can really do is ask God to help me find contentment & peace because it's no fun going through life never feeling fully satisfied with myself or the things around me. And for God to allow me to stop comparing myself & my life to the things I read in magazines or see on other blogs. There are always going to be people in life who appear to have it all together, whose children are perfectly clothed, fed & behaved, but I'm sure they're struggling with similar insecurities & issues. I want to be satisfied with all the wonderful things I do have, rather than focusing on the things I wish I had.
very well said allison. when i feel this way I try to remind myself, if life was perfect, then we wouldnt need heaven! i would love my house to look like a real simple layout! but i was reading better homes and gardens the other day and the layouts were so perfectly laid out with fresh produce and flowers on the counter and eveything so matchy matchy that I had to laugh at how fake it was. it's an illusion!
ReplyDeletemaybe you can make smallchanges to feel more content. have you thought about working less so you would be able to have that time you want with cameron, and maybe talk or see your mom/dad more? i know it's hard when your days are so jam packed. and as far as your eating habits you are the healthiest eater i know! and you are thin and trim!!! you need a new mirror! don't be so hard on yourself, you are a lovely lovely lady!!!! i know, i've seen you nude! (not really) well justin timberlake is on jay leno so I must go lust after him!!!!
I think you're a fantastic wife/mommy, and you've got a great butt to boot! The Serenity Prayer fits you to a tee, my lady.
ReplyDeleteLove you lots!
Thanks for the words of encouragement, guys! You're the best! I know perfection is an illusion but certain days, I let it get to me. I'll be fine one day & let it bother me the next. And I know so many people (especially women/moms) are in the same boat as me.
ReplyDeleteI stay home full time, you'd think I'd be content. NOT! I spend all week keeping up with the girls schedules, homework, shopping, cleaning, laundry, meals, appointments and just when I get everything on my list done or taken care of for the week, it's time to start it all over again.
ReplyDeleteI wish there were more hours in a day and more days in a weeks so I could fit more in. And even if that was possible, would I feel content then? Probably not. I often have to remind myself that it's ok if my house is a mess and it's ok if my kids aren't well behaved angels at all times. No one's life is perfect, life is messy, regardless of what I read in a blog or a magazine or see on tv.
Allison, I know it doesn't feel like it sometimes, but you are an amazing Mom, Wife, Friend, Career Woman, Sister, Daughter, Aunt, Godmother, Cousin and whatever else you can think of. Your heart is always in the right place. Everyone who knows you, loves you just the way you are. Anytime you need to be reminded of that, just give me a call. Love you!
Serenity NOW Mike!
ReplyDeleteVery true Melanie! It's not a relaxing job that's for sure. I think contentment is just a difficult thing to master. We aren't meant to be content here (in my opinion) because we always have something inside us wanting for more, and I feel like that will only be satisfied in the after life! :) Best of luck Allison!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are so awesome! Thanks for being real! :) I don't know how you stay as on top of things as you do. I don't have kids and still have closets that are bombs, neglect my husband at times, and fall short at work. Well, I'm short to begin with, but you know what I mean... ;)
ReplyDeleteNobody's perfect, and I think you do an incredible job wearing all your hats! You should be easier on yourself, and just let some things go. Be proud of who you are, and all the things you accomplish on a daily basis. I think it's pretty impressive!!!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Kelly
Wow, I'm a lucky girl to have such supportive people in my life. You guys are awesome & totally made me smile. Mel, you nearly brought tears to my eyes.. thank you for such a thoughtful comment!
ReplyDelete