I often doubt myself & feel like I'm falling short in meeting my expectations. Am I attentive enough to my husband? No. There are many times he comes home as I'm scrambling around the kitchen to get dinner on the table before Cam has his next meltdown that I don't give him the warm welcome he deserves. Do I feel I'm the best mom I can be? Sometimes yes & sometimes no. When I am with Cam I do try my hardest to give him 100% of my attention, but that's not always possible. I wish I could spend more time with him, do more things with him & not ever lose my cool when he's having a tantrum. Am I the friend I would expect someone else to be to me? Not always. I don't always return their phone calls as quickly as I'd like, send the personal cards & letters I'd love to mail, have more girl's nights out or even girl's nights in. I often hear my mom say, I wish you'd call me more often. I'd love to drive down to see my sister, brother & their families more often.
I guess the picture I have in my mind for what I wish my life looked like isn't always within reach or realistic. I admit that I am a perfectionist, but certain aspects of my life just don't reflect that as much as I wish they did. I'd love to step on the scale in the morning & actually be satisfied with the number I see or look in the mirror & not scoff at my image. Consistently go to the gym four days a week, eat a wonderfully well-balanced diet. And as for my house, our bedroom closet looks like a bomb went off in it. There are many drawers & cabinets in my kitchen that need to be organized & cleaned out. I suppose I wish my life looked like an article from my Real Simple magazine, with every little thing organized & in it's proper place.
I suppose all I can really do is ask God to help me find contentment & peace because it's no fun going through life never feeling fully satisfied with myself or the things around me. And for God to allow me to stop comparing myself & my life to the things I read in magazines or see on other blogs. There are always going to be people in life who appear to have it all together, whose children are perfectly clothed, fed & behaved, but I'm sure they're struggling with similar insecurities & issues. I want to be satisfied with all the wonderful things I do have, rather than focusing on the things I wish I had.