Thursday, January 14, 2010

Feeling Blue

I found myself feeling very emotional at work today from missing my little Cameron. As I got ready to hop in the shower this morning, I heard a little voice enter the room, saying, "Muh-ma! Muh-ma!" and it absolutely warmed my heart until it felt like a puddle of goo in my chest. But later, as I gathered my things to bolt out the door, Cam stood at my feet, desperately wanting me to pick him up, when I felt my heart break into a thousand pieces. As I juggled my purse, lab coat & basket of things for his day care, I was unable to pick him up so I had to stand there watching him cry as Mike picked him up so I could give him a kiss good-bye.

It was not the best way to start my day.

I knew I'd be working late today in order to prepare for a meeting tomorrow, and all I really wanted to do was pick Cam up from day care, take him home and spend time with him. Instead I wasn't able to get him until close to 6pm and by the time we got him fed and bathed, it was basically time for bed.

Some days and weeks I get my work done without a thought, pick Cam up, come home and enjoy our evenings together. Other days I feel emotional and even a little bitter that I can't spend more time with my love. I guess it just hits me when I realize just how little time I actually have to enjoy him at this soft, pudgy, fuzzy age where he actually needs me and wants nothing more than to be with me. It seems that before I know it, all he'll want is to spend time with his friends and think it's no longer cool to snuggle up to his mom. And that's okay, that's part of life, but I just don't want these awesome baby years to pass me by and leave me with regret that I didn't spend as much time as I could with Cam.

Maybe it's because he had his 15 month check-up at the pediatrician yesterday and I'm seeing just how much he's already grown and changed. I'm so thankful that tomorrow is Friday and I'll have the whole weekend to be with my boys. I'll cherish the time I do have with him and deal with the low moments that will inevitably come.

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