Monday, January 10, 2011

Brightness Amongst the Gloom

I've had a rough & emotional week, but my spirits were lifted when Mike surprised me with these flowers on Wednesday.

I'm definitely not one for New Years resolutions but this year I decided I would try to work on becoming a more patient wife & mom (especially wife since I can be easily snippy & not always give Mike the credit he deserves for all the wonderful things he does for our family). But so far I have not been doing a good job of sticking to my resolution. I can blame it on the stress of losing my grandma less than a week ago or having my other grandma very sick in the hospital. I can also blame my stupid PMS hormones. Whatever it is, I've certainly not been very patient or content. I can just feel this anger bubbling within my chest & stomach & it's not fun. All in all, I'm keeping it in rather well & trying not to take it out on my innocent family, but I'm not feeling comfortable in my own skin with this negative energy I'm carrying around.

Plus, with all that I've had going on in my personal life, the last thing I want to do all day is go to work. Sometimes there is so much nonsense & pettiness that goes on at my work, as it does anywhere, and I absolutely do not have the patience for it. Since I just couldn't afford to make the trip to Chicago, I wasn't able to go to my grandma's wake or funeral. I really do feel at peace with the fact that I'm not there since I was always there for my grandma while she was living. We were extremely close & I have no regrets in thinking I didn't do enough. But, the point is, I have so much on my mind that I cannot be bothered with the crap around me. I just want to put my headphones on as I'm charting in my office & scream, just leave me alone!

Of course I'm not doing that, it's just what I'm carrying around inside. I would never take negativity to work since it's not professional nor is it fair to anyone else. I'm just overwhelmed & hoping that these horribly negative, whoa-is-me feelings pass once my hormones begin to simmer down. Tomorrow is my grandma's funeral & I know in my heart that she's in Heaven where she deserves to be, back with her family & my grandpa. And I know she's looking down on me, knowing how much I love her & miss her. I want her to be proud of the person I am. I want to be proud of the person I am. So far I'm not. Like this morning when Mike's alarm went off earlier than I felt it should have & I snapped at him. Ugh. And I immediately regret it after, knowing I'm wrong. I just need to get my head on straight, do some soul searching & have a more positive energy about myself.

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1 comment:

  1. Don't be so hard on yourself... we all have those lows in our life. You will get through it, and come out better on the other side. That being said, I know how you feel, and it's no fun! Keep praying, keep reading, and keep trusting there is a God who knows what He is doing in control. Taking time to be alone with Him and sit at His feet really helps me. In fact, when I do that on a regular basis after work before I interact with Brian, I can see a world of difference in my own attitude, and I am not nearly on edge as much as I am when I first walk in the door. Find time for quiet, find time for Him, and find time for you. ;) And, let your friends know if you need anything. :)